waiting, wondering and anticipation

don't ask me why I titled this what I did. it's just because it needed a title, and those were the words that came to my mind.

you know, life is far from what any of us expected it to be, I daresay. there are so many surprises along the way, so many bumps and bruises that we wouldn't have planned.

so I was thinking. now that Christmas is gone, there is just one week till the new year. this time next week it will already be the 2nd of January. it's pretty crazy... sometimes it'd be nice if life would slow down for a bit, so I can catch my breath and think about this life that is running by. life seems to have wings and wheels of its' own.

when I think of a new year, it can make me uptight. it's like I want everything to be perfect and new with no mistakes. right now 2012 doesn't have mistakes in it. but when I arrive in any new year, or day, or week, I bring along with me a fallen nature and tend to mess things up. it can be so overwhelming.

for me, resolutions don't work, so I don't even try them. yeah, I can say I want to lose weight or eat better. I can think of nice things I want to do, goals I'd like to accomplish, and a life I'd like to live, yet when it's all said and done, life doesn't turn out the way I imagine. it takes a whole lot more than resolutions to change a life. to sum it up, it takes God, but it also takes self-control, self-discipline and determination.

I am so timid about 2012. this past year has been long and hard, in different ways. it's pretty obvious that I'll be taking "unknowns" of life from one year into the next. for that, it'd be pretty nice to clean the slate and start over absolutely fresh. why isn't this possible?

so that's about it. I can only take it one day at a time, thus the anticipation of what is to come.

after all, what /is/ to come?

yikes

there are so many thoughts on my mind.

sometimes it seems that I am going to explode.

however, there seems to be not enough time to sit down and think through it all, and make sense of this stuff into words.

tonight my hair is fuzzy. annoyingly so.

I should already be in bed. wake-up comes at 5am for the grand 6:15 shift I'm scheduled for. I love my job, love my shift. . .but don't so much love the getting up part.

sometimes, I just desperately want to dress up cute for work. but it's always the same old uniform, belt, nametag, shoes, hair put up. my mom bought me new shoes and they are a FAR better improvement on the last ones. today though, we got invitations for our company Christmas party, and it said formal wear is required. I am absolutely excited! altho...I don't think I own anything that quite fits what I want to wear, so maybe I'm going to have to sew something. *sigh* it's that or go shopping, and I have some really nice pieces of 'formal' fabric...just need brains & time to go together to make something. lol.

anyhow, I'm running. I feel sooo behind with life, with photography, with everything.

feel like a failure at times.

like with a photography love I want to turn into a business, but the business doesn't seem to happen, even if I give people prices and ask if people want their pictures taken. what am I doing wrong? you don't have to answer, I just need to ask it.

anyhow, I shall run. oh, I already said that, did I?

till laters,

- me

conflict

Conflict: it's a battle of the ages. You can have conflict on a variety of levels and for a variety of reasons, but I speak on the personal conflict inside one's own heart.

You think you know what you want. But the next moment you have no clue. Striving towards goals, dreaming dreams, and then it all collapses, crashes. It's a devastating feeling. Waiting months, wondering what should be the answers of life, turmoil rages in your heart. Finally, you think you have the answer. It seems as if it's the right one, yet it's so scary. A response is written, formulated, thought over and articulated. You let it rest awhile so it can marinate, wanting to be sure this is right. It seems so much scarier now then before. The paper is shredded in the very hands that wrote it, who were ready to accept it. We're back to ground zero.

Will this ever end? Will the fear, the being afraid; will it ever cease? Or do you have to take a step into the [very] scary unknown before you'll even begin to feel comfortable?

It's life. It's hard. It's conflict.

a slow kind of break

today is my day off. it's been a good week. I have spent my Saturday at the place I've been the past 5 days - Chick-fil-A. I'm a fan of this place.

it's different being on the 'other side' of things, especially a place where you know all of the workers and the ins-and-outs of a lot of the systems. people watching is fun - thus the past 5 and a half hours flying by so quickly.

it's almost sad that I haven't accomplished a whole bunch. I had a good chat with a friend, and then mostly worked on some pictures from my trip to the country last weekend. they make me smile so much. pretty sure I need to make a photo book out of them all.

sometimes you just have to slow down and almost do nothing. altho now I'm thinking of all the things I need to get done...

so I'm fixing to leave Chick-fil-A, till Monday at 6:00am. I think a bike ride in Grandma's neighborhood with mommy is in order. :)

boys

sometimes, I wonder. what if boys knew how much we dissected them? how we talk about the things we do or don't like, how they do things certain ways, what they wear, and all other sorts of things.

sometimes I think it'd be neat if I could take all I like in guys and combine them to make up a guy for me. that is so unrealistic, but there are certain things that just irritate the stew out of me, and there are 'nice' guys who do/wear them.

sometimes relationships just seem too complicated, and I think it'd be easier to buy my own house, travel the world and do the things I love to do. seems way less complicated. and yet, I don't want to fall into a feministic mindset that I can do everything without guys.

and yet sometimes, it gets to the end of the day and I want a guy who will let me cry, let me unload, hold me, kiss me and love me for who I am, regardless of my shortcomings.

sometimes, it is all perplexing.

today

Today contains a lot of things. In actuality, it's all I have right now.

Headset was my friend in the Chick-fil-A drive-thru during lunch hour. It was fantastic! When co-workers were freaking a bit when an inspector showed up, it made me wonder why people do things if they're going to try to hurry up and change it when they're going to be inspected. Why don't you just do it the right way all the time? Some things make no sense to me.

A few minutes ago, there was some fantastic light out my bedroom window. I love light. It could be argued either way - do I love photography because I love light or love light because I love photography? However, I end up with hundreds [thousands?] of picture I never use but take because light makes me happy. Thus the uncreative feeling right now, even amongst happy light.

The water pressure on our well has been down lately. My mommy tells me I need to just be grateful for what I have and go get a bath or shower or whatever I can get. She's so true, but I want it to all be right! I live in a lot of luxury, and don't like it when I can't have it. So many people live with so much less than I do...

I'm really thinking about going to Haiti in November. On a recent visit with a friend, we were talking about life and my current goals, the biggest of which is saving for a car. The thought came to my mind and I shared with her: "it seems pretty shallow when my life consists of saving for a car." She agreed: "I daresay that is a good question to ponder. I think life is bigger than saving for a car too." Thus it led to me thinking that perhaps I should just use my passport and go see another culture. That isn't exactly how I thought it, but it would help with the "bigger than a car" perspective, and would definitely be life-changing.

Time passes so quickly and sometimes it seems filled with nothing at times. It's really scary. There are so many things I need to do that keep getting put off. Something has to change.

I'm going to try to write more, even if nobody reads it. I read something recently that to write better you need to just write more, even it isn't great. Because you won't get better unless you do it, so that's what the plan is.

why change?

it was an unnerving thought. for the fourth year in a row, she was looking at the reality of being in a different church building come her birthday. after years of having the security of actually belonging somewhere, the last four years of her life had been a bit unsettling, not knowing what was next or why all this was happening.

this time, she knew ahead of time. yet it didn't really hit her till the announcement was made. then, the tears fell and she felt so alone. what was going to happen? how could things get better? what did the future hold? life had definitely brought lots of changes in the past year with more prospects of change in the coming year, but this, really? why this, and why now?

she thought of the hopelessness of last year. how God intervened and given her some special friends. ones who loved her and encouraged her for who she was and were very special souls themselves. and she wouldn't have met these dear friends without experiencing a new birthday with new faces and a new church. thankfully, she knew she'd still have these friends no matter what different directions they may go.

it was hard to come to a conclusion, because there were no facts other than the fact that she had to move on. she wanted to talk to somebody, but the people to talk to these days seemed to get fewer and fewer. after all, it gets tiring after awhile having everyone jump to conclusions about your life or decisions when all you want is for someone to hold you, listen to you and keep believing when your faith is a bit shaken.

again, she was faced with changes in life, and she wanted to resist so badly, but what would the resisting do? if it couldn't revert reality, what was the use? so, it seemed that it would be okay to shed a few tears and then remember "life is hard, but God is good." after all, this is what had gotten her through past times. for even in this, God had promised that all things would work together. redemption should be on the horizon soon.