yikes

there are so many thoughts on my mind.

sometimes it seems that I am going to explode.

however, there seems to be not enough time to sit down and think through it all, and make sense of this stuff into words.

tonight my hair is fuzzy. annoyingly so.

I should already be in bed. wake-up comes at 5am for the grand 6:15 shift I'm scheduled for. I love my job, love my shift. . .but don't so much love the getting up part.

sometimes, I just desperately want to dress up cute for work. but it's always the same old uniform, belt, nametag, shoes, hair put up. my mom bought me new shoes and they are a FAR better improvement on the last ones. today though, we got invitations for our company Christmas party, and it said formal wear is required. I am absolutely excited! altho...I don't think I own anything that quite fits what I want to wear, so maybe I'm going to have to sew something. *sigh* it's that or go shopping, and I have some really nice pieces of 'formal' fabric...just need brains & time to go together to make something. lol.

anyhow, I'm running. I feel sooo behind with life, with photography, with everything.

feel like a failure at times.

like with a photography love I want to turn into a business, but the business doesn't seem to happen, even if I give people prices and ask if people want their pictures taken. what am I doing wrong? you don't have to answer, I just need to ask it.

anyhow, I shall run. oh, I already said that, did I?

till laters,

- me

conflict

Conflict: it's a battle of the ages. You can have conflict on a variety of levels and for a variety of reasons, but I speak on the personal conflict inside one's own heart.

You think you know what you want. But the next moment you have no clue. Striving towards goals, dreaming dreams, and then it all collapses, crashes. It's a devastating feeling. Waiting months, wondering what should be the answers of life, turmoil rages in your heart. Finally, you think you have the answer. It seems as if it's the right one, yet it's so scary. A response is written, formulated, thought over and articulated. You let it rest awhile so it can marinate, wanting to be sure this is right. It seems so much scarier now then before. The paper is shredded in the very hands that wrote it, who were ready to accept it. We're back to ground zero.

Will this ever end? Will the fear, the being afraid; will it ever cease? Or do you have to take a step into the [very] scary unknown before you'll even begin to feel comfortable?

It's life. It's hard. It's conflict.

a slow kind of break

today is my day off. it's been a good week. I have spent my Saturday at the place I've been the past 5 days - Chick-fil-A. I'm a fan of this place.

it's different being on the 'other side' of things, especially a place where you know all of the workers and the ins-and-outs of a lot of the systems. people watching is fun - thus the past 5 and a half hours flying by so quickly.

it's almost sad that I haven't accomplished a whole bunch. I had a good chat with a friend, and then mostly worked on some pictures from my trip to the country last weekend. they make me smile so much. pretty sure I need to make a photo book out of them all.

sometimes you just have to slow down and almost do nothing. altho now I'm thinking of all the things I need to get done...

so I'm fixing to leave Chick-fil-A, till Monday at 6:00am. I think a bike ride in Grandma's neighborhood with mommy is in order. :)

boys

sometimes, I wonder. what if boys knew how much we dissected them? how we talk about the things we do or don't like, how they do things certain ways, what they wear, and all other sorts of things.

sometimes I think it'd be neat if I could take all I like in guys and combine them to make up a guy for me. that is so unrealistic, but there are certain things that just irritate the stew out of me, and there are 'nice' guys who do/wear them.

sometimes relationships just seem too complicated, and I think it'd be easier to buy my own house, travel the world and do the things I love to do. seems way less complicated. and yet, I don't want to fall into a feministic mindset that I can do everything without guys.

and yet sometimes, it gets to the end of the day and I want a guy who will let me cry, let me unload, hold me, kiss me and love me for who I am, regardless of my shortcomings.

sometimes, it is all perplexing.